Monday, September 12, 2011

Day 44 - Anatomy of a Move and The End of a Chapter

Nooo, I have not abandoned this blog... But it seemed like -living- the last 30 or so days was more important than -blogging- about them....

As I mentioned in a previous post, I have to say I am blown away by the "finality" a move to another country can bring, after living here for so long. You literally have to "book" people on your calendar. Time is counted and so precious and you realize, what and who is priority and what/who is...well,...NOT. I wish I had always functioned like that in my every day life. When your time is "counted" every day is so optimized, you would not believe it!! In the same way, I also found myself spending more time doing things I enjoyed or rather fully doing them. Which made me realize I wasn't necessarily operating like that before...What a shame! This move is teaching me so much and one of them is to be PRESENT!!! How consumed I have been with tomorrow and yesterday over the last decade!!! I barely can face it!

Oh all the things from my American life I will miss; My favorite solo sushi spots, my mani-pedis, flip-flop, pool and grill-out season from April to October, Sunny mornings at Chastain park, listening  to Gospel music on the radio on Sunday mornings while driving to get my French breakfast (baguette and croissant), the soothing sounds of crickets in the Summer nights, I could go on...The list is long...

These last few weeks have been so very difficult for someone like me who is so "attached"...I explain...I have had to sell the furniture that has  made my little nest here, throw away, donate...Separate myself from these material things with which I have had history. It is a really eerie thing to see your furniture driving away in the back of some one's truck... Then I have had to pack boxes with what I will ship which, forced me to decide what had to go and what would come with me on my new life. Every single item's fate had to be decided with all the memories that it carried. It has been extremely hard making these boxes and in the first couple of weeks of packing, every single item I put in a box would come right out in the following hour (!!!) as I just could not stand to see my things in boxes. Needless to say, I wasn't being very productive at first and it has been a process, to say the least!! In two days the shipping company will come and pick up these boxes and it will mark another step taking me closer to leaving.

My weeks are incredibly emotional and busy from trying to fit "one last dinner/drink/lunch" with every one of my friends. And it is never really the "last" one, as neither of us can come to terms with the fact that is indeed "the last time", so we plan to see each other again at another time before my departure...In other words I have had at least three "one last dinners" with every one...and counting!!! I am also continuing to do some work for the few clients I still have. Even though that hasn't been very productive either since mentally, it has become difficult having continuum and dedication to projects that are based HERE when my mind is making an inhuman effort to project itself -THERE-.

Everything in life is a process and going through this transition is no different, it is a process. Every hour, every day, every week is time for my mind to wrap itself around this new reality to come. I would rather do it without all this pain, sadness and misunderstanding surrounding it, if I had a choice. But from my few decades on this planet, I know that things often make sense later. So my faith is strongly based on this concept at this time. There isn't anything in all of this that makes sense to me anyway. Not why I have to leave all of my friends behind, not why the only man I truly ever loved, my companion, my best friend won't keep me here with him, not why I can't have a real chance at this life that I want so much, nothing. So I have to develop this faith in the unknown and trust that all of this will make sense someday.

1 comment:

  1. Ton post est très émouvant. J'ai eu les larmes aux yeux en te lisant et notamment ton dernier paragraphe. Cela doit être effectivement extrêmement difficile de tout recommencer à zéro, mais je suis certaine que tu trouveras tes marques là où tu iras, tu te referas un coin de paradis... Enjoy the rest of your days over there, don't miss any opportunity, that many memories for when you'll leave... Je pense bien à toi ! Esther

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