Day 10 - The Possibility of New Possibilities

By definition new chapters in our lives hold a lot of possibilities and hope for different, maybe bigger and better things. 

So as we all know, France/Paris gets its reputation more for making amazing food, speaking the "Language of Love" and being a fashion trend-setter rather than for being a "land of opportunity"...If you see what I mean... It does not necessarily help me in my embracing of this new chapter.

But on the other hand, there is something to be said  about arriving in a country where most of the basic things I may want to do (such as work, see a doctor, leave the country and come back, etc..) will be authorized and headache free. Sure, there will battles and challenges, but the basic premise of the new chapter of this story will be that I CAN try, I am allowed to "give it a shot". Kind of a new found freedom.

When you spend so long in such a restrictive situation, something in you dies. I think I may have stopped dreaming...What a tragic conclusion I just came about...Blah! But, that's the truth. I stopped dreaming about possibilities...in general.

So, attached to this wind of change coming my way, there is also the possibility of many "Oui!" which will be refreshing compared to the bunch of "Nos!" I have gotten in the last few years.

I may have found something positive to focus on for the next 50 days.

Day 7 - The Unfamiliar Feeling of Such a Familiar Place

" Why are you so averse to moving back to France? It is your home after all!"

Granted my decade here has not quite exactly been a walk in the park, but the thought of moving back to France is just daunting to me. 

What people don't realize is that I have not lived in France as an adult. -Period- .

Everything I have learned, skills I have acquired, relationships I have made, networks I have joined, habits I have developed,...Were in the US. In other words, I don't know the French words to describe these skills in a CV (oh yeah what's a CV again??!!!),  I don't have these relationships in France, I can't imagine the concept of "a network" or "networking" is the same in France or even what networks are there? I could go and on with that list. But in a few words, it is like moving to a foreign country of which you have the passport and speak the language!!!! It is pretty wild and frightening.

It also means, that you are picking back up where you left things. I doubt that the 18 weeks I have spent in France over the last 12 years have managed to keep me abreast of the Pop-culture, socio-cultural codes and all of these elements that make you understand and appreciate a culture. My discouragement comes from the fact that I know exactly how much work and energy are involved in  knowing a country on that level, for one simple reason: I have done it before! Also, understand, that learning these new values is not synonymous of accepting them and there is a considerable amount of frustration that comes with learning something you disagree with or you have no interest in. 

I recall watching Saturday Night Live and other comedic shows on US TV for a solid two years and not ever once finding something funny. Yes, humor is largely based in the culture of a country. Now it is the other way around, people send me YouTube videos of things that aired on French TV and I ask them what I was supposed to "get" here?

I am in a point in my life where I crave to take things to another and improved level in different areas; financially and personally, to name a few; but I watch my life heading in a completely different direction, putting me years behind and  ahead of so much "work"; all of that just to become adequate again in my own country.

I see today that I have made a "really good job" at separating myself from my country and embracing America. As I contemplate what reinsertion will imply for me; I am seeing the other side of the coin of my "great American immersion".

Day 4 - The Finality of a One-Way Ticket

Have you ever purchased a one-way plane ticket? 

I never did. Neither when I first came to this country nor on the 10 subsequent times I traveled back and forth. It is quite a thing...There is something so "final" about it. 

So from this short preface, you may have gathered that I may have accomplished one of the biggest task on my "moving back" to-do list: I have purchased my plane ticket. No surprise there, it felt as much like crap as I imagined it would!!! The exorbitant amount of money you're spending, the pressure to buy it "NOW!" before the price goes up, and my (I have to say very helpful) travel agent George asking me the ultimate question with his thick Russian accent: "What is the return date M'am? I wanted to tell him to go ask my boyfriend but instead I refrained and explained that I "wanted" a one-way ticket.

It is the first time I got dizzy after purchasing something. I literally needed a minute (or twenty) to process how real this now was. I may have to increase my dose of Resveratrol tonight!!!

Day 3 - Acceptance and The Decision To Be Happy

I have known (intellectually that is) for a long time that Happiness is something you do (active/action), something you decide. Some of us are so well conditioned growing up that we will be happy because of something or someone, that reversing these equations in our minds takes quite a bit of reorganizing of beliefs and values. Those for whom it is the first time hearing this, good luck with that concept. In all honesty, I am still working on it after years...But here is some reading that may help you The Art of Happiness - a Handbook for Living (Dalai Lama). 

As some of you know, leaving the country is a two-fold issue for me and I am sure I'll get around to talking about "the elephant in the room" at some point. How could I not?? 

But whatever the reasons are for me going through this heartache, the point is that it is not what I want to do. It is something that is imposed to me (I am on the receiving end). I am being passive. 

Do you see where I'm going with this?.... 

Perhaps, if I found reasons to be "happy" about moving back to France (to my parent's house, Yay!), it could allow me to become more in control of the situation as I would be "actively deciding" that it is a good thing and therefore it would make me happy. As opposed, to passively receiving my sentence. No???

Now, how do you bring yourself to wanting something that you truly do not want?  

That's what naturally happy people do instinctively and others such as myself, have to do it a little more consciously. It is more of  a learned process for us to find the positive in a stack of negatives. A big part of it has to do with upbringing and brain chemistry, but that's beside the point.